On October 23, Dina Zeckhausen participated on a panel with Dr. Kara Pepper at the Decatur Library as part of a three-part series called DeMystifying Menopause. While Kara discussed ways to address the physical impacts of the hormonal changes of menopause, Dina spoke about the psychological impacts and themes. Below are some of the topics that Dina addressed.
What are some of the specific life events and challenges that are unique to the stage of perimenopause and menopause?
Here’s just a sampling:
If you have kids: they are most likely teenagers, with all of the accompanying stress surrounding that. They may be heading to college, which means you are facing the grief about the emptiness in the house and the change in your family structure.
If you don’t have kids, there may be a sense of panic about the clock ticking down, diminishing your chances of becoming a parent. You may be grieving that as a possibility.
If your parents are alive, the fact is they are getting older and you may now be dealing with their health crises, making decisions about their care, helping them to die, or dealing with the realities of their loss.
If your parents are not alive, you are more aware than ever of your own mortality and that you are now the oldest generation.
If you are in a partnership: with kids leaving home, you face the prospect of being alone with this person every day until one of you dies. This stark reality is often a wake up call for women who may feel disconnected from their partner and anxious about this next chapter of life together.
If you are NOT in a partnership, you may be facing the fraught dating scene as an “older” woman in a sea of younger women, which can stir up anxieties and fears of aging alone.
People you know will start getting sick and dying. Some of these losses will be predictable; some will be a complete shock. Your denial surrounding death is pierced by the realization that your time on earth is finite.
Your body starts to change: If your self-image/self-concept has been centered around your appearance, this can be quite jarring. Noticing changes to your face and body that feel out of your control can be experienced as a loss of self. If you have struggled with a lifetime of food issues or poor body image, this time period can trigger anxiety, negative feelings and even the re-emergence of old coping mechanisms like extreme dieting or exercise.
What are some new ways that we can approach our relationship with our changing bodies?
If you have struggled with food issues your entire life, it’s time for a Major Paradigm Shift.
Stop the war with your own body. Be aware of negative self-talk. Recognize where it came from. Try to consciously speak to yourself differently. Thank your body for getting you to today. The new goal is not to get skinny, but to become more attuned and in sync with your body’s wants and needs. Promise yourself to start listening, paying attention to, and getting better at discerning what your body needs and then taking actions that help your body feel better.
Stop the Diet Mentality/Perfectionism around food: no more black and white thinking, where you are either On or Off a Diet, being Good or Bad. No more counting calories or obsessing about the number on the scale.
Develop a New Relationship with Food: the idea is to tune in to how your body responds to foods. What gives you sustained energy? What foods actually increase your appetite (e.g. highly processed foods designed to make you eat more of them). Tune in to your gut health; what makes you feel gassy, bloated, uncomfortable? Focus on getting more protein to maintain muscle strength and consuming more fruits and veggies for your gut health. Assess your relationship with alcohol, night-time eating and other habits that disrupt your sleep.
Separate Food from Emotions If you crave food but are not actually hungry, slow down and ask yourself: what you are actually feeling. Bored? Stressed? Angry? Sad? Let yourself feel your feelings and learn healthy ways to self-soothe or express yourself that do not involve food. (If this is challenging for you, get some coaching from a therapist who specializes in this area. Sometimes childhood issues can still be impacting your relationship with food and your body, even decades later!)
Develop a new relationship with exercise: let physical activity be for the purpose of the immediate mental health benefits: lower stress, increase endorphins and more energy. Over time, it can be about building strength and increasing your flexibility and balance: it is injury prevention so you don’t break a hip! Plus, your activity needs to be enjoyable; if you dread the stairmaster or the treadmill, you won’t do it. Take a walk and listen to your favorite podcast, sign up for a tap dance class, take up pickleball or go hiking. No more working out just to burn calories or as punishment for your food sins. You are seeking a sustainable approach to physical activity that will keep you moving and mobile into old age. It’s not going to be perfect, and that’s OK.
What are some mindset approaches and life skills that we can develop and strengthen in order to best navigate life challenges?
Normalize what you’re going through. Talk to your friends and family members about this stage of life. You are not crazy! This is happening to us all.
Embrace Change but also give yourself the permission to feel whatever you are feeling: anger at your marital situation, sadness at the kids leaving, frustration with your siblings around parent care. These feelings are important barometers and will guide your next steps. Anger tells you it’s time to speak up and set boundaries. Sadness means it’s time to grieve. These emotions shine a light on truths that cannot be denied.
Recognize your courage and strength. Sometimes you may be afraid to face your feelings because of where they might take you. Then you realize that you are a warrior, that you are resilient! By this time in your life, you have been through some shit, and you have survived. So when you’re anxious about what’s around the corner, remind yourself that you are strong. Beating yourself up is an ineffective motivator and a waste of time; viewing yourself through more forgiving, compassionate eyes is a game-changer.
Focus on physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual growth and self-care. Find a doctor who specializes in menopause and a therapist who is older and wiser. With more free time, learn something new! Try tap dancing, take an art history class, learn jewelry making, join a book club.
Lean into humor and wisdom. Being able to laugh about the changes in this life stage is a great salve for sadness and grief. Tap into the wisdom of those who have gone before you. Read books by Mary Pipher and Anne Lamott. Listen to Julia Louise-Dreyfus’s podcast “Wiser Than Me.” Watch comedians Wanda Sykes or Leanne Morgan talk about their changing bodies: it is hilarious!
What are some of the gifts of this life stage?
While it’s easy to focus on the losses, once you have faced them and grieved, you discover this is also a time of new beginnings.
In your marriage/partnership, women develop more confidence in themselves and start speaking up about things that are bothersome or no longer acceptable. While this can create a crisis, it can also be a strong catalyst for growth and evolution. I have seen marriages fall apart and I have seen marriages improve and deepen during this stage. I’ve also seen women leave unhealthy relationships and discover wonderful new ones, never having imagined they could experience a healthy love in later life.
Your sexual relationship may blossom. There is liberation in no longer worrying about periods or the risk of getting pregnant. This freedom can improve your sexual relationship, allowing you to be more open and expressive. As you become more confident, you start taking responsibility for your own pleasure and are able to be braver in communicating your needs, wishes and desires. Issues such as vaginal dryness or erectile problems necessitate more honest communication and creative work-arounds. Good Sex is less orgasm-focused and more about connection, fun and spirituality.
You’ll re-assess your career goals. Some women are at the top of their careers and feel fulfilled and respected as experienced leaders. Others decide the career isn’t meeting core needs and look for a way out. Some start new ventures, others look forward to the reduced stress of retirement.
If you have children, you get to experience a new relationship with them as young adults. While this can be challenging, it is also generally quite rewarding.
Life experience leads to a healthy sense of perspective. You become more forgiving, more patient. You don’t sweat the small stuff. You get better with setting boundaries, discerning what you will and will not tolerate. This can lead to shifts in friendships and family dynamics…which may not always feel comfortable but will lead to peace and sanity.
You have greater clarity on your values: Work? Friendships? Travel? Creativity? Climate Change? You get better at deciding how you want to spend your time, whether it’s gardening, writing your memoir, traveling to Japan or becoming an activist. The Serenity Prayer becomes your default mode: you get better at letting go of the things you can’t control, and acting on the things that you can control.
You view this as a time for a Health Re-Set: you have more time and space to focus on your own health goals, from strengthening your muscles and bones to becoming more flexible with stretching and yoga. Because energy is a finite resource, you prioritize preserving and increasing it with good sleep, better food choices and decreasing stress.
In contemplating the meaning of your life, you’re ready to give back. This may be a time to help those less fortunate or work on improving the health of the planet. You have wisdom to provide and a passion for leaving a legacy of good works.
You develop a different perspective on “Time” when you are awakened to the reality of death and the experience of the clock ticking faster. In realizing the fleeting nature of things, you develop a deeper appreciation of love, beauty, kindness, art, friendship and nature. By slowing down, the little things will bring your heart greater joy.